Using CBT, ACT & CFT to Understand Feelings and Find Your Way
Hey you, yeah, you reading this – have you felt totally overwhelmed by your feelings? Like you’re too much, or not enough? Maybe you’ve been told to “just get over it” or “calm down” when everything inside you feels like a thunderstorm.
Here’s something most people don’t say enough:
Your emotions are not the problem.
In fact, they’re your compass.
Let’s break that down.
CBT: Catching Thoughts That Spiral
Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) teaches us that emotions don’t just happen — they’re connected to our thoughts and how we interpret stuff. For example:
- You see your friends laughing.
- You think: They’re laughing at me.
- You feel: anxious, embarrassed, maybe even hurt.
CBT helps you spot these automatic thoughts and challenge them.
Is that thought 100% true?
What’s another way to see the situation?
How would I speak to a friend feeling this way?
CBT reminds us: our thoughts aren’t always facts — and that gives us space to breathe.
ACT: Feel It. Name It. Choose to Move.
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) adds another layer. It doesn’t try to get rid of difficult emotions — instead, it helps you make space for them without letting them control your actions.
Think of emotions like passengers in a car. Some are loud (like anxiety screaming from the back seat). Some are quiet. Some you wish would just get out already. But none of them have to drive — unless you hand them the keys.
Here’s what ACT teaches:
- Feel it → Notice what emotion is showing up.
- Name it → Say, “This is anxiety,” or “This is sadness.”
- Choose to move → Ask yourself, “What really matters to me right now?” and take a step in that direction.
And that’s where values come in.
What Are Values?
Values are who and what you care about. They’re not rules or goals — they’re like a direction on a compass. You don’t “achieve” your values — you live by them.
Some examples:
- If you value kindness, you might check in on a friend, even if you’re feeling shy.
- If you value creativity, you might draw, write music, or make something — even when you’re not feeling 100% inspired.
- If you value honesty, you might speak up, even if your voice shakes a bit.
Values help you figure out what kind of person you want to be, even when life feels heavy.
Why Values Matter When You’re Struggling
When you’re stuck in difficult emotions — like anxiety, sadness, anger, or numbness — your mind might say:
“Just avoid it.”
“Shut down.”
“You’re not good enough.”
“What’s the point?”
But values give you a way to choose on purpose, instead of reacting on autopilot.
Imagine this:
- You’re feeling anxious about going to a group activity.
- Your mind says, “Skip it. You’ll mess up. Stay home.”
- But your value of connection reminds you: “I want to build friendships. I don’t need to be perfect to show up.”
Even though anxiety is still in the car, you’re driving — and you’re heading somewhere meaningful.
Try This: A Quick Values Check-In
Ask yourself:
- What kind of person do I want to be today?
- What matters most to me right now — in this moment?
- What’s one small thing I can do that lines up with that?
Your values might lead you to take a tiny, brave action — like texting a friend, showing up to class, standing up for someone, or even resting, if you value well-being.
Real Talk
You won’t always feel motivated. You won’t always feel confident.
But your values are bigger than your mood. They help you show up, even when things feel messy.
So when emotions start yelling at you — pause. Breathe.
Then ask:
“What matters to me right now?”
“What would the ‘me I want to be’ choose next?”
Because even in the storm, your values can light the way.
CFT: Your Feelings Are Valid (Even the Messy Ones)
Compassion-Focused Therapy (CFT) brings a powerful reminder into the mix:
You’re not weak for feeling things — you’re human.
A lot of us grow up thinking that feeling emotions like sadness, fear, or anger means we’re being “too sensitive” or “dramatic.” But CFT says: Hey — there’s a reason you’re feeling this way. And you deserve support, not shame.
The Brain Was Built for Survival (Not Vibes)
CFT explains that our brains weren’t designed to keep us happy all the time — they were designed to protect us. That’s why you might:
- Overthink when something feels “off”
- Feel rejected if someone doesn’t text back
- Freeze up when you’re nervous to speak
- Replay embarrassing moments over and over
Your brain is trying to help you survive. It just doesn’t always get it right — especially when there’s no actual danger.
That’s where CFT steps in and teaches you how to work with your brain instead of fighting against it.
The Three Emotional Systems
CFT breaks down your emotions into three main systems:
- Threat System — Your built-in alarm system.
Activated by fear, shame, anger, or anxiety.
Keeps you safe, but can go into overdrive. - Drive System — Your motivation system.
Pushes you to achieve, succeed, or get stuff done.
Can be exciting, but also exhausting if you never slow down. - Soothing System — Your calming, caring system.
Linked to feeling safe, connected, and loved.
Often underused — but compassion helps turn it on.
Most teens (and adults!) spend a lot of time stuck in threat or drive mode. But that can leave you stressed, anxious, or burned out.
CFT helps you grow your soothing system through self-compassion.
So What Is Self-Compassion?
Self-compassion is treating yourself like you would treat someone you actually care about.
It means:
- Speaking to yourself with kindness, not cruelty
- Recognising that everyone struggles — you’re not alone
- Allowing yourself to feel emotions without judging them
Instead of saying,
“I’m such a failure for feeling this way,”
try:
“This is hard. And it makes sense that I’m struggling.”
Instead of thinking,
“I shouldn’t be this anxious,”
try:
“Anxiety is showing up because my brain is trying to protect me — even if it’s overreacting right now.”
Try This: A Compassionate Check-In
When you’re overwhelmed, ask yourself:
- What am I feeling right now?
- What would I say to a friend feeling this way?
- What’s one kind thing I can do for myself today?
Kindness doesn’t make the pain disappear — but it helps you move through it with less shame and more strength.
You don’t have to “fix” every feeling.
You don’t need to be “positive” all the time.
You’re allowed to struggle — and still be good, worthy, and lovable.
CFT reminds us: struggling is part of being human — not a sign that you’re failing.
And every time you respond to your own pain with care instead of criticism, you’re choosing courage.
Emotions = Information
Here’s the coolest part: your emotions are like internal notifications. They’re not always comfortable, but they’re trying to tell you something.
- Anxiety might mean something matters to you.
- Anger might be a sign your boundaries were crossed.
- Sadness might be showing you what (or who) is important.
Your job? Listen in. Be curious.
Ask yourself:
- What am I feeling right now?
- What might this emotion be pointing to?
- How can I respond — not react — in a way that lines up with who I want to be?
5 Practical Compass-Tips for Teens
- Name It to Tame It
Grab a notebook or notes app and write down what you’re feeling. Use emotion words like frustrated, lonely, disappointed, nervous, excited. Naming helps your brain understand and sort what’s going on. - Breathe Like You Mean It
Try “box breathing”: inhale 4 seconds, hold 4, exhale 4, hold 4. Repeat. It calms your nervous system and creates space between you and the emotion. - Check the Thought
Ask yourself: Is this thought helpful? Does this thought help move in the direction of my values and the life I want for myself?
Then try: What would I say to a friend who had this thought? - Choose a Tiny Step Toward a Value
If you value friendship but feel anxious about texting someone, try just sending a quick “hey” or reacting to a story. Small moves matter. - Give Yourself a Break
Literally. Do something kind for yourself — music, a walk, a silly video, a warm drink. You don’t have to earn rest or joy.
Final Words
You don’t have to love every feeling.
But you can learn from them, live alongside them, and use them to help you find your way.
So the next time a tough emotion shows up, instead of asking “What’s wrong with me?”, try asking:
“What is this emotion trying to tell me?”
“How can I respond with courage and kindness?”
Your emotions are your compass — not your enemy.
And you? You’re doing better than you think.
I am a BACP-registered Young People Psychotherapeutic Counsellor offering private therapy for teens struggling with identity, self-esteem, and emotional wellbeing. I work online in the UK and worldwide, using an integrative, compassionate approach tailored to each young person’s needs.
If you’d like to explore how therapy can support your child or teen, feel free to get in touch.
