Anger isn’t just a behavioral issue—it’s a biological and emotional response to a perceived threat, frustration, or injustice. It is often a secondary emotion, meaning it can mask deeper feelings like sadness, anxiety, shame, or fear.
From a psychological perspective, anger is linked to the fight-or-flight response in the brain. When a child perceives something as unfair, threatening, or overwhelming, the amygdala (the brain’s emotional center) is triggered. This activation floods the body with stress hormones like adrenaline and cortisol, preparing the child to “fight” (argue, shout, hit) or “flee” (withdraw, refuse to engage).
In children and teens, the prefrontal cortex, which helps regulate emotions and impulse control, is still developing. This is why younger individuals may struggle to manage their anger effectively—they simply don’t yet have the full cognitive ability to pause and process their emotions before reacting.
Common Causes of Anger in Children and Teens
- Frustration – Feeling unheard, misunderstood, or struggling with tasks beyond their ability.
- Anxiety and stress – Anger can mask underlying anxiety, especially in children who feel overwhelmed.
- Feeling powerless – Not having control over situations at home, school, or with peers.
- Unmet needs – Hunger, exhaustion, sensory overload, or lack of connection can all contribute.
- Difficulties with emotional regulation – Some children and teens struggle with identifying and expressing emotions in words, leading to explosive outbursts.
How Can Parents Support Their Child at Home?
As a parent, it can be incredibly challenging to manage a child’s anger, especially when it leads to shouting, aggression, or defiance. The instinct might be to either shut it down with discipline or give in to avoid a meltdown. But the key is to help children recognize, understand, and manage their emotions in a healthy way.
Here are some practical strategies:
Teaching children emotional vocabulary reduces their need to express distress through outbursts.
1. Stay Calm and Regulate Your Own Emotions
Children are very attuned to their parents’ emotional states. When a parent becomes upset or angry, it’s easy for the child to pick up on those feelings and mirror them. Reacting with anger or frustration may escalate the situation, making the child feel misunderstood or more upset. As a parent, it’s essential to model calmness and emotional regulation. This not only helps de-escalate the moment but teaches your child that emotions can be managed in a healthy way.
Practical Tips:
- Speak slowly and in a calm tone to set the emotional tone.
- Take deep, deliberate breaths to calm your body and mind. You could even teach your child how to do this with you.
- If you need to, take a brief pause from the situation. This could involve stepping into another room or taking a moment for a “time-out” to reset before returning to the conversation.
By staying calm, you’re showing your child that it’s possible to be in control of intense emotions, and they can learn to do the same.
2. Validate Their Feelings (But Not Their Behaviour)
When children feel understood, it lowers their defenses and makes them more open to listening. When a child is upset, they may need to feel like their feelings matter. If a parent immediately dismisses these feelings by saying, “You shouldn’t feel that way,” or “Stop being angry,” the child may feel misunderstood, which can lead to more resistance and frustration. Validation doesn’t mean you agree with the behaviour, but it does communicate that you understand their emotional experience.
Practical Tips:
- Instead of labeling their feelings as “wrong” or “unacceptable,” try to reflect back what you see: “I can tell you’re really upset. That makes sense because you were looking forward to that event.”
- Acknowledge the situation that caused the distress: “It sounds like your friend’s words really hurt your feelings. I can see why you’d be upset.”
By validating feelings, you allow children to process emotions rather than bury them, helping them feel more secure and less likely to act out.
3. Help Them Name Their Emotions
Emotional literacy is a key skill in managing anger and frustration. Many younger children might not have the vocabulary or emotional awareness to articulate what they’re feeling. This can lead to feelings of confusion, and they may act out as a result. Emotion coaching—helping children identify and express what they’re experiencing—builds emotional intelligence and allows children to better understand their emotional landscape.
Practical Tips:
- Use specific language: “You’re feeling frustrated because you couldn’t finish the puzzle, right?” or “It looks like you’re angry because your game wasn’t working.”
- Introduce a “feeling chart” or a “feelings wheel” with faces and words to help children point to what they’re experiencing.
- Ask open-ended questions that help them connect with their feelings, like: “What’s going on inside your body when you’re upset?” or “How does your heart feel when you’re angry?”
By helping children label their emotions, you’re giving them the tools they need to express themselves without resorting to behavior that might be harder to manage.
4. Set Clear Boundaries Around Behavior
While all emotions are valid, not all behaviors are acceptable. It’s crucial for children to understand that it’s okay to feel angry, sad, or frustrated, but it’s not okay to act out in a harmful or aggressive way. Setting clear, consistent boundaries helps children understand the difference between emotions and actions, and it encourages them to channel their feelings in healthier ways.
Practical Tips:
- Set expectations: “It’s okay to be angry, but it’s not okay to hit or yell at someone.”
- Offer alternatives for managing anger: “You can stomp your feet if you’re mad, but you can’t throw things.”
- If a boundary is crossed, it’s important to follow through with appropriate consequences, but always with an emphasis on teaching, not punishing.
By reinforcing boundaries in a calm, consistent manner, you help your child learn that while they can’t control their emotions, they can control their actions.
5. Teach Healthy Ways to Express Anger
Children need to learn how to express anger and frustration in ways that don’t harm themselves or others. Helping them discover healthy outlets for anger can improve their emotional regulation and prevent destructive behavior. Activities like deep breathing, journaling, and physical movement are proven ways to release pent-up emotions and help children process their feelings in a constructive way.
- Deep Breathing: Teach them simple breathing exercises, such as breathing in for four counts, holding for four, and breathing out for four. Over time, this can help them regulate their emotions before they react.
- Calm-Down Space: Set up a special spot in the house with calming tools like a stress ball, soft music, or a favorite book. This gives children a safe space to retreat to when they need to cool down.
- Physical Activities: Physical movement, like squeezing a pillow or jumping on a trampoline, can help children release built-up frustration.
- Creative Expression: Encourage your child to express their feelings through art, writing, or even music. Journaling or drawing pictures of their emotions can provide an outlet and help them process what’s going on internally.
- Mindfulness for Teens: For older children and teens, mindfulness techniques like meditation or self-reflection can teach them how to pause and assess their feelings before reacting.
When Should You Seek Therapy for Your Child’s Anger?
Some anger is normal, but chronic, intense, or destructive anger may signal deeper struggles that require professional support.
You might consider therapy if your child:
- Has frequent explosive outbursts that are hard to control.
- Becomes physically aggressive towards family members, peers, or themselves.
- Struggles with intense mood swings or persistent irritability.
- Expresses low self-esteem, anxiety, or sadness alongside their anger.
- Is getting into trouble at school or with friendships due to anger.
- Experiences family tension because of their emotional struggles.
How Therapy Can Help
As a Children and Young People Psychotherapeutic Counsellor, I take an integrative and child-centered approach to helping young people understand and manage their emotions.
- I use ACT & CBT for Emotional Regulation to help children recognize their emotions without becoming overwhelmed and develop strategies to pause before reacting.
- Compassion-Focused Therapy (CFT) – Many children feel guilt or shame about their anger. CFT helps them develop self-compassion, reducing emotional distress and increasing self-regulation.
- Play and Art Therapy – as children may not always have the words to express what’s going on inside, I use creative techniques to help them process emotions in a safe and engaging way.
- Parental Support – Anger often impacts the whole family. I work with parents to develop practical strategies to support their child at home while maintaining healthy boundaries.
Final Thoughts
Anger is not the enemy—it’s a signal. When children struggle with anger, they are often asking for help in the only way they know how. With the right support, they can learn to express themselves in healthier ways, manage frustration, and build emotional resilience.
If your child’s anger is becoming overwhelming, therapy can provide them with the tools they need to navigate their emotions and feel more in control.
I am a BACP-registered Children and Young People Psychotherapeutic Counsellor based in West London, Chelsea, offering private therapy for children and teens struggling with anger and emotional regulation. I work online across the UK and worldwide, using an integrative approach tailored to each child’s needs.
If you’d like to explore how therapy can help, feel free to get in touch.